Friday, 1 August 2008

Letter to boy

Dear X

I had a very strange and intense conversation with someone last night that's been playing on my mind a lot and I wanted to talk to you about it.

I hope you don't mind. Feel free to delete it if it's too weird.

I was told that I had upset and offended someone with my constant sarcasm and mean (but probably very witty!) comments. To the point where he was actually considering cutting off all contact with me. I'm glad he was able to communicate this to me before just ignoring me forever more, but it's still upsetting to me that I could have annoyed him so much when I just thought I was being funny. I know I use humour a lot - probably as a form of attack and to deflect from anything on a more serious level. However my intention is never to actually cause any hurt, and I'm horrified that it could have been viewed as that.

I think the person I was talking to has issues of his own and our relationship is a little strained at the moment as we used to date and we're struggling to find the right level to re-engage at. It's always hard trying to find a comfortable level of friendship after a relationship, and this one is no different. I'm still always thankful that you and I somehow managed to remain good friends for all these years.

Last night I realised that I do tend to be quite mean with my comments. I only do it with people that I like and feel comfortable with, and it's all done with good intentions. I know I've annoyed you in the past by being overly mean, and I wanted to let you know that I never do it to cause any hurt or upset in any way. I am going to make more of an effort to stop being so flippant and rude and to try to be nicer. I guess it's just easier for me to make fun of people. It's like the cliched pulling someone's hair and tripping them up in the playground when you like them.

I probably also do it to distract myself from getting into deeper issues with people. If you don't know someone too well then it's always easier to converse in an infantile fashion such as sarcastic digs rather than exploring more complex discussions. Perhaps this is what upset the boy more than anything - the fact that I was preventing him from actually having any meaningful conversation and preferring to resort to pathetic jokes. It's probably some kind of defence mechanism that I've been running since the beginning of time. It scares me when people begin to get too close and sarcasm has always been my way of dealing with this fear.

Anyway, the whole point of this is to say to you: I'm sorry if I have caused any offence in the past with my relentess mocking of you. I hope that you haven't been offended too much, although I have received reprimands from you telling me to be nicer and less mean. I hadn't realised how tiring and awful this can be to people.

Sorry for the long self-indulgent monologue.



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